Officer,
Just a Couple of Questions . . .
Game Warden: Yes,
young man, what can I do for you?
Hunter: Well, I had
a few questions about your muzzleloader season.
Game Warden: All
the regulations are printed in the book, son. Just help yourself-they
are free. There is a stack of them right here on the counter.
Hunter: That's not
what I mean.
GW: Oh, it is not
about hunting regulations?
Hunter: Oh yes, it
actually is.
GW: Are there some
words in the book misspelled or some pages ripped or missing?
Hunter: Uhh, no.
It is about my muzzleloader.
GW: Well, son, I'm
not a gunsmith-- like to help, but you need to go see a dealer,
a gunsmith, or call the manufacturer. Fred down the road has been
at it a long time; he can likely fix it for you.
Hunter: It isn't
broken.
GW: I'm glad to hear
that. I'm a bit busy here, anything else?
Hunter: It is about
the powder.
GW: Why not just
follow the manufacturer's recommendations?
Hunter: I'm sorry
for not being clear. It is about your definition of a muzzleloader.
GW: Around here,
most boys load them from the muzzle. If it has a magazine or loads
through the breech, that would be a breechloader. If you loaded
it through the butt, I suppose it be a buttloader. Anyway, different
season. I really need to go now.
Hunter: It is partly
about saybutts.
GW: Better off hitting
'em in, say, the lungs son-- rather than say, in the butts.
Hunter: I know that.
Maybe you don't get it, it is French.
GW: I don't really
get Jerry Lewis, either, but apparently the French do.
Hunter: It is about
the powder, like Black Mag 3.
GW: Don't have powder
here. What color is "Black Mag," black?
Hunter: No, it is
tan in color. Like Triple 7 kinda sorta.
GW: Perfect sense.
Fine, I've never heard of it. What is Triple 7, 50% more powerful
than Double 7 or something?
Hunter: There is
no "Double 7." It comes in powder or pellets.
GW: Well, I don't
read all the ads. Thought a powder came as a powder, and pellets
came as pellets. Something like powdered sugar or sugar cubes. There's
ice cubes and snow cones, son, but they both can get you wet. Anyway,
I really need to run. Couple of my boys just blew a trannie in one
of our older vehicles. The director isn't going to like this at
all.
Hunter: I wanted
to make sure I don't have any problems during the season.
GW: Heck, son, there's
always problems during the season. Chubby old boys that just don't
walk much have heart attacks every year. We get 'em out of the woods
as fast as we can. You seem to be in good enough shape, though.
Hunter: I just want
to know exactly how you do things here.
GW: What is your
first name, my lad?
Hunter: Todd.
GW: Well, Todd, around
here you need to have a proper hunting license, hunt during the
legal season, and make sure you have permission to hunt the land
you are on. That is basically how it works around here. How does
it work where you come from?
Hunter: The same,
pretty much. I was wondering if you were worried how close I would
need to be to shoot at a deer.
GW: Todd, it goes
like this. If you are skydiving, you might want to worry how close
the ground is. This is called deer hunting, Todd. You don't worry
about how close you can get to them. Close is good. Terrible thing,
though.
Hunter: What?
GW: About the Davis
boy.
Hunter: Hunting?
GW: No, skydiving!
That poor Davis boy forgot to worry about how close the ground was.
Nobody had to hunt for him.
Hunter: I'm worried
about a conservation policeman looking down my bore.
GW: Todd, I guess
those hunter safety courses they make you take really are a good
idea after all? My field officers do not look down gun muzzles.
It is not proper gun handling, and can be generally unhealthy. Son,
are you really sure you want to hunt around here? Nothing wrong
with golf, and it just might be easier for you. Bowling might be
good for you too. You need to stay a certain distance away from
those pins-that's why the foul line is there. Now you can go worry
about how close you are getting to your target.
Hunter: I just want
you to write up your opinion!!!
GW: I'm doing that
right now for you, Todd.
Hunter: Huh?
GW: Disturbing the
peace, harassing a field officer, and interfering with the official
duties of a conservation officer while on duty is what I have so
far. That is my written "opinion" you have requested.
Would you like more of my official opinions, Todd?
Hunter: Err, no.
Hey, wait a minute! I came here just to make sure I wouldn't get
a ticket during hunting season!
GW: Todd, I'm not
saying you will. You are getting them right now, though. There is
no special season for me to write citations. I need to see your
driver's license for a moment, Todd.
Hunter: But this
isn't fair.
GW: Todd, had you
bothered to pick up one of those free hunting regulation books lying
there like I asked you, and actually took the time to read it-it
would come as no surprise as to why I giving you these citations.
This is all in the book, according to statute. It isn't so bad,
though.
Todd: What do you
mean by that?
GW: Looks like our
department can finally buy that new truck we need after all. That's
a good thing. Always learn to look on the bright side.
Todd: See you later.
GW: I believe you
will, young man. The judge will tell you exactly when it will be
in advance, so you can be timely. Looking forward to it. Have a
wonderful day.
©
July, 2005 by Randy Wakeman
